1.08.2004
Wow....Things just suddenly got dark. You see, I have this horrible thing in my mind that keeps telling me my drawing are just that of an idiot ametuer and I should just give up and go find something better to do. Like sleep. Or...be a bum like every other idiot that lives here. But I've worked hard to keep drawing and to find any way I can to get better. I haven't given up on it and I've worked so hard at staying positive with this.
Things are definately dark.
My brother is home. The art student. He's the greatest. He's my hero. The one that I look up to more thatn anyone else in this dark world. I want him to be proud of me. I want to reach his expectations. I want him to look at me and say, "She's got talent".
Things just don't work that way.
People around here can look at my art and think it's a master peice. You'd think that would make me happy. No...Not at all. These people don't know about the world. Their minds are stuck on this little town that can't do anything but eat, sleep, watch tv, and breathe. People here have no lives so when they see a simple little person trying to do something they are wowed. Freaks. They don't know what talent is.
"You should be an artist! Or one of those animator people!" That's what someone said to me. It's just a darned DOODLE! I've taken time to LEARN to draw and I've PRACTICED what I've learned. Nothing to be proud of though. Nothing a real artist would say is even "decent". It may be better than anything they(people here) can do but it is definatly one of the worst of the rest of the world.
I love drawing. I hate my lack of artistic talent. I try so hard. But I just can't do it. I even bought $40 worth of art books to help me learn how to draw these characters. I've even asked my brother for help. I thought I was doing well....
"This book is full of crap. Everything in here is worthless. It all looks flat. It hasn't helped you at all with your style of drawing. I don't like what it's done to your techniques."
I thought I was doing well.....
I can't do it anymore. I've been trying. It doesn't work anymore. I can't get the pencil to work the way it should. I can't make strokes where they should be. I can' make things proportionate.
What can I do now? All I've ever done through practically my whole mature life is read, write, and draw. It's so hard for me to write anymore. Reading is all I can do. I can't draw. And it pains me to see other's work. I can't even watch movies anymore without thinking, "Why can't I do that?"
=Lee
Current Music: Listening to the boys play Halo(BANG CRASH FWOOM....stuff like that)
Currently eating/drinking: nothing
Current Mood: tired/depressed/lonely
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.::. Lisa .::. 9:34 PM
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