7.31.2005

This is just a shortie to say how very frustrated I am. Actually, I'm not all that frustered. Just some.

I finally got Sam on Ragnarok(i used my other email to sign up for the trial again, which I don't plan on doing a third time. Next time I want to pay. Yes, I'm getting attatched.) so we can play together. You see, it's very not fun alone. Sure, there are plenty of people there to play with, but all I've met are bozos who think they're cool. Lameos. Cheerios. Oreos.

Both her and I have been having a great time, aside from tonight where I got lost in the desert and couldn't find my way back to Morroc. Here's the problem. She won't or can't get on until 9:30. So you know what I do? I'm a slug all day waiting for 9:30 so I can play. When I have things schedualed like that in a day, I feel like I can't do anything else. Especially on Sundays. Church from 9-12 and 6-8. Sure, I have five hours in between, which is plenty of time to accomplish SOMETHING. But I don't. I can't.

Here's a problem. Sam is like ... a mother. She takes care of everyone and makes sure she and we are responsible. That's her personality(for the most part), This isn't a bad thing. It just puts a damper on my fun sometimes. Like this. She makes sure she doesn't stay up too late so she can take care of things in the morning. So, game from 9.30-10.30 minus lisa being lost for 45 minutes.... equals not much time to play.

I'm glad she's responsible, I just wish I could do something without worrying about the time. I hate time. It's against us.



-lise

1 comments .::. Lisa .::. 10:31 PM
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7.24.2005

I'm wicked bummed tonight. I feel sick, which could be part of it. But I really think it's a lot of Luca. She's making me tired and I get so frustrated with her. I think she's asleep now, earlier than what she's been going to bed at lately. I've started a puppy journal but I don't think I'm going to put it up here. Personal. Maybe later when I think it's ridiculous.

Hmm.. sometimes I wish I could stop complaining about garbage like that and write something worth reading. Gosh, this is just making things worse, isn't it?

I think I avoid writing in here is because I know I'm going to re-read it and hate it. That's a little discouraging.
Another reasonis because I can't think of much to write about aside from complaints.

Here's something.

I've been updating my site - http://www.exist-ence.netfirms.com - quite a bit recently. I got a new layout which I am quite fond of. Deja vu though. I think I said that about the last one. Heckle and jeckle, it doesn't matter. I like this and I don't want to have to go through the pain of changing it all over again.

I have a lot done in the photo section and some in the drawings, but other than that, I still have my work cut out for me. I really want to get up my shoppe but I think I'm mostly afraid to. Afraid that no one will come? Afraid that I won't know what I'm doing, maybe. Possibly afraid to part with one of my creations. Afraid of complaints from customers.

I really have no sense when it comes to commerce. I've always been terrible at Sim City. Profit is what I need. Mostly for selfish purposes, Guild Wars, FRUiT-y-ness, things like that. But I've been hit with reality the past couple days and really want to save up for college. It's scary. I hate it when I'm told that I am going to have it the best out of the rest of them because I've seen their mistakes. That's terrifying. I'm not better off than them in any way. In fact, I think I'm doing worse. I have... 300$ in the bank? And it seems that we will have many negatives when I get to college.

I got a little off topic. Let's go back to the reason I want a shop.

There's another money reason that isn't so selfish.
I want to stop asking mom about getting my allowance that is sometimes forgotten and I don't want to have to be payed to work around the house either. I don't want to have to be bribed to practice school related things. I want to be disiplined. Being paid makes me feel weak.

Honestly, when I hear about the "money situation," I'm scared and angry.

I don't want to ask for money anymore. I can survive without it. As much as I want things, it's not good for me. And I hope I can have enough will power to contain myself.

So, I want to be able to support myself. Things I personally want from the grocery store? I want to buy them myself. It's not that I don't want help, I just feel like a burden. My parents don't treat me like one, I just have an imagination.

Like I said, bummed.

Hopefully the DDR party on thursday will go well. It'll just be me, sam, bent, and taylor. I was going to have amanda and shannon up too but they're out of town. I think it might be weird with just us. Like that, it doesn't really feel like a ddr party because we're free to do whatever else, while with other people around, it's like that's what we're meant to do. Maybe it's only my mindset. I just hope Luca doesn't get in the way...

That's how I've felt about her for a while which is shameful. I feel like she's getting in the way of my life. I suppose that's the way life sings when you make a big disission like that. And I love her. That's right, but I'm so torn. Maybe when she's not so hyper anymore...?

I can't figure this out..



http://addictinggames.com/hapland2.html


Now that I feel worse, I guess I'm going to bed. I can't get to sleep this early, but I've been scolded for staying up late. And when they are concerned about my sickness and ask about my sleep patterns, they can't complain.



-lisa

1 comments .::. Lisa .::. 9:15 PM
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7.20.2005

Xiao Qiao is "my" character in Dynasty Warriors 3. My meaning I use her most of the time, and she's my favorite.

I'm thinking seriously about cosplay now. Maybe not a convention, but definatley at home. Sam is deciding on her character(I suspect Da Xiao; then I will be Xiao Qiao with her).

Sewing isn't so bad when you stop thinking about it and just do it. That's the way it is with most things I guess. I hope they'll turn out okay.

Yep, we just decided.

Samantha - Da Xiao
Lisa - Xiao Qiao
Bentley - Sun Shang Xiang
Taylor - ....?

So... if you're wondering... we've sorted our problems out. Kind of. She apologized and I stuck my foot in my mouth. That's about it. We're okay. We were both PMSing. Not good to be the same as your best friend ^^;;;

Also, that guy hasn't been at the center since Krumpy yelled at him. I don't know if that's why, but it's been a while. It was before she left for work. He's a plain ol' idiot. It's nice being there and not stressing about competition or show. But sometimes I have thoughts like, "Would you get over here already so I can be miserable!?" Demented ^^

I'm going to submit my fanart Diao Xiao sketches to the Yue Yin site. Yay!!!

http://www.yueying.net/dw

Barf, lots of these drawings are terrible. But I guess that makes me feel better.

I'm feeling pretty upbeat tonight. Not upbeat maybe, just... happy? No, I'm feeling something. Not bad. Hurray!

I feel so bad for Hiroto. His birthday was March 15th and I still haven't sent out his birthday package. I'm so sorry Hiroto. I'm such a slow person. I do have the things in a box now though.
I'm such a moron though. I'm sending lame things like candy and pins. He sent wonderful things. In fact, tomorrow I think I will take pictures of them and post them. He's such a sweetie.

Last topic...

Luca!





We'll chat more about her later. For now... I'm wicked tired.


-lisa

1 comments .::. Lisa .::. 10:40 PM
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7.16.2005

I'm feeling like cosplaying again. I've joined the cosplay lab and have even picked out what I want to make.

It's decided.

Virginia from Wild Arms 3.

Though I named her Hanna. V is such a yucky name.

There are a few problems with this whole Cplaying thing though... I really can't sew well. I've made a couple circle skirts and some leggings(which were too big and I ending up making a few of myself infront of old men in the arcade when I attempted DDR with them on; I don't think I'll be going back soon). Then aside from clothes, I can only make things without patterns.

Second problem. I live in Nowhere New York. NY has two convention listings and they are both over a zillion miles from Nowhere.

Third problem. No money.

Fourth. Even if I somehow got to one and a fairy dropped off something via UPS for me to wear, I wouldn't be able to be there alone. This leads to

Fifth. If the fairy got me a 'stume, whoever I went with(alone isn't allowed) I probably wouldn't know, or has just randomly stumbled onto the earlier week who decided to take me along. Strangers and strange places - Not allowed.
(I'm making this sound like there are strict rules on me. Not really. It's mostly common sence. But... I do like to be adventurous.)


But you know what? I get nervous when I think about getting up there on stage and showing off my costume. "What pose could I strike?" I get butterflies. Silly me. "My costume doesn't look as good as others...." How depressing.

So... I guess I'll have to do what I've-- no... That won't work either. My friends are moving, some to other countries. Guess we can't have the halloween cos/DDR this year. How lame and uncool.

Haha.. Emily was so awesome. Hydrogen atom... what a blast.


So tell me, what do I do now?


-lisa

1 comments .::. Lisa .::. 9:04 PM
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7.15.2005

3 minutes after the fact, I tried to conduct therapy and got some chocolate milk. Half way through i realized my milk was invaded by chunks.

My stomach hurts.

But when doesn't it?

1.58

There is absolutly no game in the world I want to play at 1.58. No game. None. I want morning. I want a shower. Now.


-lisa hurts

0 comments .::. Lisa .::. 1:56 AM
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This is an "I Hate Myself" nights.

I can't sleep. I'm hungry. I'm crying.

Hate hate hate is such an awful thing.

The moon is spilling.


-lisa hates

0 comments .::. Lisa .::. 1:44 AM
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7.05.2005

I feel like a child. What an outburst. I think Claidi-baa has gone to my head. After not being able to sleep for week, I feel pretty terrible.

It's also taken Her 5 days to write back. Two fragments of sentances.

I feel terrible.

I said I wouldn't regret what I said. I don't think I do. It wasn't just from this particular moment; it's been building up for years now. I just couldn't believe that it's how things were.

But I miss Her.

I wonder if confronting Her was a good thing. From a third party I know now what the problem was(this time.) I just still wonder why She never let me know. I guess because it didn't directly involve me....

I wonder what's going on in Her head. I doubt it's bothering her much. She might not even know. But She hasn't called... but we don't phone. Or mail.

I didn't think it would matter to me much because it's been so hard on me(and this whole time she's been oblivious). But I miss Her. She's a freak. That's good. I miss my freak.

I think I got a tan. A little.

What should I do now?










Current 3 (BLUE is changed from last current)


Current Vocal Artist - Shonen Knife
Current Obsession - La Pucelle
Current Dance Desires - DDR at the C. center
Current Pains - just the Heart
Current Desires to Create - Kitty hats, scarfs, patch skirt, snail purse, sketching, bloomers
Current "Childhood" Wishes(things I wish I would have learned as a child) - singing, japanese language
Current "I wish I could..." - draw something(that looks good) original for a change, stop worrying, stop taking care of everyone
Currently Waiting For - card skirt, art book
Current Fears - school, Her
Current Laughs Over - nothing right now
Current Hair Obsession - Asian style, med/short spikey piggies, my own. I love it much. Braids
Current Awesome Manga - Kare Kano, Aria, B.B. Explosion
Current Song - Explosion
Current Wannabe - taller
Current Cuteness - white blocks(WHERE ARE THEY?!?!??!), bloomers
Current Subscription(wish) - FRUiTS
Current Video Game Wants - Phantom Brave, Okage, Threads of Fate, those awesome japanese RPGs that I could never have, Dynasty Warriors 4
Current Procrastination - Exist, finishing scarf, sending letters, breaking it to you, italy photo uploads
Current Obligation - Her
Current Disgust - Myself, Her
Current Style - slob
Current Question - Why didn't you let me sleep? Why am I asking stupid questions? Do you still love me? When will I see you? Where are you?
Current "Will I ever" - sleep again, make comics, sew well, crochet well, look how I want, get a hair person to do what I tell them to do, get over it, make things better between us, see Emily, write again?
Current Awesomeness - Salad, Gunslinger Girl, A&S
Current Frustration - Myself. Why'd I have to get involved? I know why though.. Her
Current Anime Want - Full Moon o Sagashite
Current Stuckethness - Cookie and Cream - the Moon boss, Arc the Lad - I forget, Kingdom Hearts - Hallow Bastion again, La Pucelle - Dragonshrooms ><
Current Tears - I'm frustrated, I'm hurt, I don't know what to do now.

0 comments .::. Lisa .::. 8:50 PM
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