11.29.2004
Sorry about that outburst this morning. I wasn't doing too well. You may have noticed. This are a little better now. I'm home. I came home from school right after first period today. I felt the same as I did that day I went in to take that PLAN test. Gross. It was like my stomach was going to explode. I thought the guy next to me would notice that I desperately has my hand nailed to my mouth and my other scratching words onto my paper. It was awful. I still feel sick now; headache, yucky stomach, but not exploding.
This past week has been really rough. I don't want to get into details because it's late and I want to get to bed early. It's just that everything has been falling to so close to each other. It's more than depressing.
By the way, if you check my webbie regularly you will have noticed that it doesn't work. That's because it's gone. Died. Dead gone. Sorry. It's not very fun for me either. I thankfully have all the files backed up(somehow) and I may get it back up someday. Maybe when we get the new computer hooked up. Maybe if we can save the drive I'll get everything back. Maybe. Meanwhile, I will be curling up in warm corners with a blanket and take naps.
-lee
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.::. Lisa .::. 10:26 PM
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I have never sobbed so hard before as I am now. Nothing is wrong. I think I am lonely. Desperately lonely. I never want to feel like this again.
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.::. Lisa .::. 6:55 AM
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11.19.2004
Finally I've gotten around to writing something. I haven't been doing much these past two weeks. My dad has been gone on business and my mom and I have been partying. Sort of. We've been staying up late, renting movies, and eating junk food. We're awful. It's great. We've gone out to eat and been shopping for yarn, material, the yayness! I feel a little guilty about having my parents start spending.. more than usual on me. I don't want to be a spoiled brat. Being a little spoiled is nice though. Tee hee!
Well, I finished Hiroto's scarf. Can you believe it? I sent a letter to JAPAN!! I'm so excited! I can't wait until he gets it. Yes, Hiroto is my Japanese penpal. Do the Japanese celebrate Christmas? Does it get cold in Okinawa?
Oh dear... Christmas. It just reminded me of something yucky. Not something I want Christmas to be. You see, after watching the rest of the youth learn sign language for the youth sermon sometime last year, I was really in awe of how well they did at signing. It was really nice! I wanted to learn. I thought it would be great. No... it's not. The youth leader(what a sad thing to say) doesn't bother to try to help me at all. I couldn't show up for a while because I was sick. I fell behind, as I do with everything. The same happened with band. After I got good, I fell ill and could no longer participate. Well, with this, the youth leader didn't even bother to call to see if I would still be able to participate or if I was even okay! So far, I hardly know anything. Last time I was there they simply told me I need to practice at home. They think I don't know that? Problem is, I don't know the motions. How can I practice when I don't know it? What a stupid thing to say. I want to just tell her I can't be in it. I want to just drop out. It's been over a month now and it's to late for a replacement. They even just said they want to be in a talent show. Yeah right. The people I am working with keep complaining that they don't know the motions. Sure. Sure. I want to drop out. I just want to forget about it. I'm so unreliable anyway. Gotta keep my name.
Let's see... What else. Ah yes, I'm going to start a store on my webbie soon. Maybe over the holiday break. Oh wait, I only get a week off. I don't get out until Christmas Eve. Tragic. Anyway. I will hopefully sell scarfies, hats, and copies of monsters. And whatever else I can think of. Of course, I have no idea how to run a store and I would have no idea what is a reasonable price. Then again, there is the problem of no one goes to my site! Well, not that I know of anyway.
Hm... I do believe it is about time to be creative. Time to draw!
-Lee
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.::. Lisa .::. 10:20 PM
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11.12.2004
So, when I finally decide to post I have to feel all gross and depressing. I guess I just feel incompetent right now. I kind of feel like the things I work the hardest at are the things that go unnoticed or are ignored. No, not ignored. They just don’t really seem to matter much. It’s like it’s nothing useful. I keep telling myself, “It doesn’t really matter. I don’t need to live off of someone else’s praise.” And that’s true; I don’t. I just feel like if it’s never seen, it doesn’t matter.
Wow, I was really going to dive into this post since it's been so long, but it's late and I have work to do. I'm going to snail mail a couple people too. Hm... what should I send to Hiroto for christmas?
-lee
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.::. Lisa .::. 6:39 PM
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