6.30.2005
Let's see... I really have no desire to write ATM but I am anyway. I guess this is something worth remembering.
Things have been going well lately. Summer is here and it's hot. I enjoy the heat, as long as I'm not doing anything. All I've been doing is playing Ragnarok and occasionally spending and hour .5 in the pool.
It's been nice.
How about green for RO? My char's hair is green. Secca. I was going to use Sukame(redhead) but it didn't start working right until I was further with Secca. I like her. She's an Acolyte now, though I don't know what to do now. Can't exactly fight. No spells I can use. And I've used up all of my money sightseeing... Maybe I should ask for some help. Last three times I asked someone how to get somewhere, I was given lots of money and told to teleport. That's cool! But... I wonder if I had started walking early on rather than porting if I would be able to use my spells.... I think I should have gotten more EXP before jumping into my job. I'm only trial-ing. I don't know if I'd want to buy it... After a while it's just another accessorizing game. That's why Gaia's boring.
"Ooooooh!! Where'd you get that hat?! Is it an event item? Look at this cape I got!"
It's fun for a while... But there isn't a definite goal. That's why I'm so lost now. I'm an Acolyte now! Yay! But... now what? I'm afraid to team up too though. That's causing problems. I'm afraid they'd expect too much from me, won't speak/type literatly, will intimidate me with their fierce strength, or be slowed down by me.
Gosh, I'm paranoid.
But see, with Guild Wars, There is a goal, though not as defined as it could be. You're at war. But anyway. You can fight monsters with strategy rather than having to wait to fight so you can level to beat something. Here, you're saving your country. In RO ... I'm really not sure what you're doing. But I guess that's just the styles they are. And I suppose it's all in what the majority likes(there is also somewhat of accessorizing in GW(dying armor, etc...).
Don't get me wrong. I like RO a lot. Cute. But I think the most reason I wanted to play was to express myself (though I'm doing poring- ...poorly. It's a pun. Poring. The pink blob... uuhhh.) And I really wanted to create a character to draw. That part is going well. I have already created two characters I'm attached to. Never would have had either of them if I hadn't played. Sweet Sukame. Courageous Secca. You two are cute!
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Just as I started playing Wild Arms 3.. I realized I like Westerns. O.o
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I just walked out to the kitchen for about ... roughly 7 minutes and just realized that I write blogs in my head a lot (although, you know they'd never stay in there). However, I never seem to write it down. Can't remember I suppose. I guess it's kind of like talking for myself.
I was just thinking (I'm going to write it down) about how love is kind of lame at the moment. There's no way I would ever think of dating or "confessing" to a guy. But then I remembered something. Being lost. Being so insanely in love that it killed to open my eyes and see the real world. It killed to not have anyone. I remember crying. I was given a suggestion to write to him. I'd give it to him later when we knew we'd be together forever. I wish I had, though I'd be too embarrassed.
I remember having strong feelings for Reno/Koyusetsu/Niles and Jace. I'm such a foolish child. Poor RKN. He was too tall to be a jockey. Took up ballroom dancing. Does this sound familiar? Ballroom dancing...
"I'll save a dance for you."
Thinking about it now, it's an overused line, kind of corny and... - I guess I was just taken because no one had ever said things like that to me. That's one reason why I became entranced by the dance. But I have different reasons now.
And Jace was just nice. He knew how to address a lady. Too bad I let him down by being a child. That's alright though. I can't be getting into online relations. I like my friends, but we could never be close.
Sorry Andrew. Though, I feel like you've vanished.
"Yesterday my troubles seemed to far away." Thanks Joe.
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Let's talk about Shannon and Amanda. Or rather Amanda and Shannon. They are some of the sweetest girls I think I have ever met. I think that they might be the strength I lean on now.
I wish I could do more for them. But what's to be done? We're friends. But I wish I could have stronger bonds with them. I love them. Though, it worries me to see Shannon hanging around some of the people she does, but I suppose she it old enough to take care of herself now. Amanda too. I wish there was someone for her. I don't think I can cut it. I think it was her mom who let me know. She needs someone her age who can bond. I'll try my best until Someone comes along. Hurry Someone. She needs you.
Though, I feel really bad for both of them. They take things so hard... Which leads us to our next topic(I guess I really did want to write tonight. That's good.)
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I've realized that friendships break apart. There's always the question of, Am I changing? Or is She?
In this case, I think I am. Not so much changing though. Just ... understanding. I understand now that she doesn't have much of a real heart. Despite all of the friendship goodies and her honey-like words... I wonder if she's lies.
Of course, I think that's overdoing it by a hair, but it's only to express how I'm feeling.
It's more of a feeling that I pray she never gets married like she says she won't, but not because she doesn't want to. I feel like I'm cursing her, but I hope she doesn't marry because the men will have brains enough to stay away from Pandora's Heart(or lack of). Also because I don't want her children to be like her and spoil their generation with whiners and selfish, pigheaded snots. Oh dear, I think I've said too much.
Sorry.
I feel like I'll regret these words. Not because they are foolish, but because I will be hypnotized again.
But you know... I really want to things to go smoothly. That's why I mailed her tonight. There are two parts of her. The good and the bad. She's gives too many privileges to the bad. Her good has no spine and the bad is a kicker.
The Bible study tonight really helped me see things clearly. I'm afraid though that it clouded her heart more than it can be. That is, if she listened(seems like when Bad comes out for the night, she doesn't try to fight it and pushes the Ultimate Good away. Afraid that Bad and U. Good won't get along?). I think I can feel her stares.
Something that keeps coming to my mind that reminds me of how childish she is. That night she said something like, Oh no, not more drama here. Umm... weren't you the one crying in the bathroom claiming that no one loved you? You know, I almost hit you.
There's one more thing that's bugging me... apart from her selfishness, utter ignorance of the many good things she has in her life, and lack of social skills, what is it in her that I still want to have her a part of me?
I bet it's the Golden Retriever in me. I just keep remembering when she used to believe. What did she believe? In me maybe. Now I'm just used as a back-up. Thanks. I feel your love.
Maybe she's really a mermaid and is trying to get me close so she can eat me? Oh. No. Can't be that. She's already eaten me.
I think I miss her. I miss when she would take my advice and not argue with me. Friendships can't be perfect, I know, but there is no such thing as friendship for the untrying.
I don't know what to do.
Not to be shallow - You know, you were a brat tonight. Curious, why do you come if you refuse everything/one?
Something like that. Yes, I used the word brat. So kind. I could have used the others. I want to tell her what she is, but even then, she doesn't believe in me anymore and wouldn't understand. It's like speaking different languages.
What's worse, is she thinks it's just her that matters. You know, you're hurting so many other people too.
Take Bentley for instance... what a sweet girl. But with your influences, she's learning sarcasm, rudeness, and to not be serious. No one can lean on her now.
Sorry Chenice. You're supporting wall has crumbled. There is nothing to mend it. I'm so sorry.
VOICES. We can fly; we have wings.
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Go go cactus man.
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There wasn't DDR tonight which added to the already stressful night(as you can tell, she wasn't going to even get Good a peak of light). Without that, I just wanted to go home. I called, but my mom reminded me that I needed to be there for A&S. I'm glad I did. We got to talk about each of our own personal issues about the She-monster. Teehee. She-monster. You make me giggle when I say that. We played Uno and then Cup Jived. I bet that one hurt. A lot. I kind of hope it did. I'm terrible to say that though. I'm bitter.
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I think this is all I have to say for tonight. The other things are already cold and worthless. For now, I will wait.
You're heart will break.
-lisa
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.::. Lisa .::. 10:58 AM
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6.15.2005
Seems I haven't written in a while. I didn't really want to.
Today was grand. But it really wasn't. Too much waiting. Waiting for the end.
The end of school.
Yes, I am done(though not really; three days left of regents). I am happy.
After school, things really started looking up. Stopped by Bentley's so her and Taylor could sign Chenice's book. Some things I'd rather not write. I really don't want to. Tragedy. That's what it was called. All I could think about was the irony of the events and our current novel; The Great Gatsby. Look it up, kid.
Aside from that, Sam dragged me to the Community Center tonight, and you know what, this always happens. I enjoyed myself more than her. The point of it all was I was supposed to get video clips and photos for her project, but I got caught up in DDR.
-side story though too long to stay on the side-
I actually wanted to go just to show someone up at DDR. She'd been bragging for weeks about how good she was. Frankly, I was sick of it. Through communications, I learned that she's not as good as she claims.
"She's not any better than me."
Are you kidding me? Think a little higher of yourself. That girl really ... is on light?
I guess I shouldn't think lowly of her, she just shouldn't be bragging like that. She could get herself hurt someday.
So, I didn't get to play her, but I watched from a distance at one point. That's all right, I have no desire to. The competition is with her brother.
He's amazing and he knows it. In fact, I think bragging runs in the family. I'm the one who challenged him. If I wasn't rushing will all of that adrenaline, I would have been smart enough not to.
Even before that, I had sweat that was more like just plain water that bubbled up on your flesh generating from every pore of my body. While reading a manual I had to hold the book the length of my arm away so my sweat wouldn't drip on it.
I felt like I had shattered. Not bones, just myself. He put me back in my place, and my place was so far below him.
But I didn't give up, though it wasn't helping my humility attempt with people shouting behind me for me to kick his rear. I knew I couldn't. I wanted to show him that I wasn't all that bad though. I could still play well. Right?
Guys like this intimidate me, though with his obnoxious attitude, I was able to speak directly at him. It was kind of nice. But secretly, I hated him.
I regret to say that I am competitive and not very humble about it. I try. I really do. Problem is, I try with these things too. Trying it what makes you about to do something and do it well. I try. Really hard. That's what my life is. Trying.
I did. I tried. I did all right too. Not my usual self though (I think I was embarrassed and nervous with him towering over me). I'm sure he noticed that I was getting upset though and he laid off the taunts and smart remarks (ex. "I failed this one last time. We can play it that way it will look like I'm doing really bad"). In the end, I think he might have almost respected me. Just a little. At that point we weren't competing, we were playing together. As corny as it sounds, we were a team. But only a little.
I truly can't wait until we play again. He'll be there again next week and so will I. I want to play again. But this time, I don't want to beat him. I want to get better so we can level together. I want to advance.
I am inspired.
I feel like this happened before.
Though... there is one thing I regret, and that is leaving the rest behind. I'm sorry. You can't lean on me forever. Try for yourself.
-end of side story-
She was going to have me take pictures of her and others signing for this song, but she started that stubborn pouting thing she does. She does that a lot; gets herself into a mess and then pouts about it later.
Sam, I want you to read this so you'll know that you were being selfish. You don't know how hard it was for me to not say it to your face, though I still wonder if I should have.
The Phantom of the Opera is there inside my mind.
She was complaining and putting on that face of her's. She claims she's not good enough. She'll never learn in time. She just can't do it.
Pitiful.
This seems to happen every time. And every time she's talked back into it and she does fine. I wonder what trying means to her. Confidence.
Ashley had a good point, "Who's idea was this?"
So somehow it went from being, I'm so bad at this, to Nobody cares about me.
Just what in God's earth can that girl being thinking in her mind? How fickle.
But it's not going to pursue my heart any longer. She has turned to stone and will be torn asunder. Just call for my name. Just say my name, Reki. I can save you.
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.::. Lisa .::. 11:48 PM
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