6.30.2005
Let's see... I really have no desire to write ATM but I am anyway. I guess this is something worth remembering.
Things have been going well lately. Summer is here and it's hot. I enjoy the heat, as long as I'm not doing anything. All I've been doing is playing Ragnarok and occasionally spending and hour .5 in the pool.
It's been nice.
How about green for RO? My char's hair is green. Secca. I was going to use Sukame(redhead) but it didn't start working right until I was further with Secca. I like her. She's an Acolyte now, though I don't know what to do now. Can't exactly fight. No spells I can use. And I've used up all of my money sightseeing... Maybe I should ask for some help. Last three times I asked someone how to get somewhere, I was given lots of money and told to teleport. That's cool! But... I wonder if I had started walking early on rather than porting if I would be able to use my spells.... I think I should have gotten more EXP before jumping into my job. I'm only trial-ing. I don't know if I'd want to buy it... After a while it's just another accessorizing game. That's why Gaia's boring.
"Ooooooh!! Where'd you get that hat?! Is it an event item? Look at this cape I got!"
It's fun for a while... But there isn't a definite goal. That's why I'm so lost now. I'm an Acolyte now! Yay! But... now what? I'm afraid to team up too though. That's causing problems. I'm afraid they'd expect too much from me, won't speak/type literatly, will intimidate me with their fierce strength, or be slowed down by me.
Gosh, I'm paranoid.
But see, with Guild Wars, There is a goal, though not as defined as it could be. You're at war. But anyway. You can fight monsters with strategy rather than having to wait to fight so you can level to beat something. Here, you're saving your country. In RO ... I'm really not sure what you're doing. But I guess that's just the styles they are. And I suppose it's all in what the majority likes(there is also somewhat of accessorizing in GW(dying armor, etc...).
Don't get me wrong. I like RO a lot. Cute. But I think the most reason I wanted to play was to express myself (though I'm doing poring- ...poorly. It's a pun. Poring. The pink blob... uuhhh.) And I really wanted to create a character to draw. That part is going well. I have already created two characters I'm attached to. Never would have had either of them if I hadn't played. Sweet Sukame. Courageous Secca. You two are cute!
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Just as I started playing Wild Arms 3.. I realized I like Westerns. O.o
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I just walked out to the kitchen for about ... roughly 7 minutes and just realized that I write blogs in my head a lot (although, you know they'd never stay in there). However, I never seem to write it down. Can't remember I suppose. I guess it's kind of like talking for myself.
I was just thinking (I'm going to write it down) about how love is kind of lame at the moment. There's no way I would ever think of dating or "confessing" to a guy. But then I remembered something. Being lost. Being so insanely in love that it killed to open my eyes and see the real world. It killed to not have anyone. I remember crying. I was given a suggestion to write to him. I'd give it to him later when we knew we'd be together forever. I wish I had, though I'd be too embarrassed.
I remember having strong feelings for Reno/Koyusetsu/Niles and Jace. I'm such a foolish child. Poor RKN. He was too tall to be a jockey. Took up ballroom dancing. Does this sound familiar? Ballroom dancing...
"I'll save a dance for you."
Thinking about it now, it's an overused line, kind of corny and... - I guess I was just taken because no one had ever said things like that to me. That's one reason why I became entranced by the dance. But I have different reasons now.
And Jace was just nice. He knew how to address a lady. Too bad I let him down by being a child. That's alright though. I can't be getting into online relations. I like my friends, but we could never be close.
Sorry Andrew. Though, I feel like you've vanished.
"Yesterday my troubles seemed to far away." Thanks Joe.
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Let's talk about Shannon and Amanda. Or rather Amanda and Shannon. They are some of the sweetest girls I think I have ever met. I think that they might be the strength I lean on now.
I wish I could do more for them. But what's to be done? We're friends. But I wish I could have stronger bonds with them. I love them. Though, it worries me to see Shannon hanging around some of the people she does, but I suppose she it old enough to take care of herself now. Amanda too. I wish there was someone for her. I don't think I can cut it. I think it was her mom who let me know. She needs someone her age who can bond. I'll try my best until Someone comes along. Hurry Someone. She needs you.
Though, I feel really bad for both of them. They take things so hard... Which leads us to our next topic(I guess I really did want to write tonight. That's good.)
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I've realized that friendships break apart. There's always the question of, Am I changing? Or is She?
In this case, I think I am. Not so much changing though. Just ... understanding. I understand now that she doesn't have much of a real heart. Despite all of the friendship goodies and her honey-like words... I wonder if she's lies.
Of course, I think that's overdoing it by a hair, but it's only to express how I'm feeling.
It's more of a feeling that I pray she never gets married like she says she won't, but not because she doesn't want to. I feel like I'm cursing her, but I hope she doesn't marry because the men will have brains enough to stay away from Pandora's Heart(or lack of). Also because I don't want her children to be like her and spoil their generation with whiners and selfish, pigheaded snots. Oh dear, I think I've said too much.
Sorry.
I feel like I'll regret these words. Not because they are foolish, but because I will be hypnotized again.
But you know... I really want to things to go smoothly. That's why I mailed her tonight. There are two parts of her. The good and the bad. She's gives too many privileges to the bad. Her good has no spine and the bad is a kicker.
The Bible study tonight really helped me see things clearly. I'm afraid though that it clouded her heart more than it can be. That is, if she listened(seems like when Bad comes out for the night, she doesn't try to fight it and pushes the Ultimate Good away. Afraid that Bad and U. Good won't get along?). I think I can feel her stares.
Something that keeps coming to my mind that reminds me of how childish she is. That night she said something like, Oh no, not more drama here. Umm... weren't you the one crying in the bathroom claiming that no one loved you? You know, I almost hit you.
There's one more thing that's bugging me... apart from her selfishness, utter ignorance of the many good things she has in her life, and lack of social skills, what is it in her that I still want to have her a part of me?
I bet it's the Golden Retriever in me. I just keep remembering when she used to believe. What did she believe? In me maybe. Now I'm just used as a back-up. Thanks. I feel your love.
Maybe she's really a mermaid and is trying to get me close so she can eat me? Oh. No. Can't be that. She's already eaten me.
I think I miss her. I miss when she would take my advice and not argue with me. Friendships can't be perfect, I know, but there is no such thing as friendship for the untrying.
I don't know what to do.
Not to be shallow - You know, you were a brat tonight. Curious, why do you come if you refuse everything/one?
Something like that. Yes, I used the word brat. So kind. I could have used the others. I want to tell her what she is, but even then, she doesn't believe in me anymore and wouldn't understand. It's like speaking different languages.
What's worse, is she thinks it's just her that matters. You know, you're hurting so many other people too.
Take Bentley for instance... what a sweet girl. But with your influences, she's learning sarcasm, rudeness, and to not be serious. No one can lean on her now.
Sorry Chenice. You're supporting wall has crumbled. There is nothing to mend it. I'm so sorry.
VOICES. We can fly; we have wings.
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Go go cactus man.
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There wasn't DDR tonight which added to the already stressful night(as you can tell, she wasn't going to even get Good a peak of light). Without that, I just wanted to go home. I called, but my mom reminded me that I needed to be there for A&S. I'm glad I did. We got to talk about each of our own personal issues about the She-monster. Teehee. She-monster. You make me giggle when I say that. We played Uno and then Cup Jived. I bet that one hurt. A lot. I kind of hope it did. I'm terrible to say that though. I'm bitter.
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I think this is all I have to say for tonight. The other things are already cold and worthless. For now, I will wait.
You're heart will break.
-lisa
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.::. Lisa .::. 10:58 AM
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