4.04.2004
Got board account re-activated! YAY!
Birthday tomorrow! Well....kinda today because I opened my presents today....but offcially tomorrow.
I think I liked being 14. Hated school and junk I had to put up with. But liked the age. Teenager, yet still a child. I like being a child. Helps me connect with innocence. Innocence is cool. So is being naive. That's pretty interesting.
I got a sketch pad from my "secret sister" tonight, which got me thinking....It's a bit odd that I'm more concerned about my HOBBY(drawing) then about what I'm actually hoping to do with my life(writing). Makes me kind of worried. I haven't written poety or stories in ages. I've thought about picking up the book and writing but I never know what to do. I seem to be stuck in this inbetween thing. Half of me want to write for a living, but the other half is dying to pick of that pencil and draw. I've thought, "Why don't I just give up on writing and draw for a living? Everyone else seems to think I can draw well...." Maybe I can draw well. But not good enough to sell anything. Never good enough to make anything off of it. Maybe ameaturs would enjoy looking at it for, oh, say, a dollar.
Bummer.
The reason why I started with the whole writing thing was because when I was little I could never find a book that sparked my interest. There were little kids books for kids who wanted to know that dogs chased cats and the sky was blue. I already knew that. Didn't need to read about it. Then the book section jumped right up into the adult books. There was no inbetween. Just pop-up books and How To books. Not much to choose from. So I started writing my own. I loved to read, but could never find anything that met my standards. I said that I knew people. I knew what kids my age wanted in books. So I wrote....Not very good, may I add, but I was little.
Now I'm older and I can write better, yet now I realize there's more out there than I thought. Everworld, Claudie Journals, Ella Enchanted.... Just like with my drawings. I've found so many other, better works, that I have a hard time keep up with my own. I love those books. I love those other drawings. But it angers me to read or look at them because I'm always comparing them with mine. I can't sit through a movie without thinking, "Why can't I think of a plot like that?" and an anime, "Why can't I draw like that!?".
One of my most frusterating traits....
Comparison.
But I've stuck with my drawings. I can tell they're better than my older ones, but still, they seem to be getting harder to draw. I can't think of anything to draw. I have to force myself to doodle SOMETHING before it kills me.
Writing is different. I can't force myself to. It seems impossible. I write all this in my blog all the time, but that's my personal issues. I know how to make a character. I know how to build him or her. I can create the character's world. But I can't set them free. I can't let them out into their world because I can't think of anything to have them do! What's a story that has nothing happen?! NOTHING!
What's worse is I'm terrified of critisizm. I know it helps. I know it's good for me. I know I need more of it. But it's terrifying.
I NEED to get back into the habit of writing. Problem is....I don't want to.
=Lee
Current Music: Reika Noda - Owaranai Mono ~ Forvevermore
Currently eating/drinking: nothing
Current Mood: content
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.::. Lisa .::. 9:58 PM
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