10.03.2005
I wish I didn't have to solve all the problems, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't. But then again, I can't when I do anyway. I always seem to just mix things up and make things worse.
I don't know how I feel. Uneasy I suppose. I don't know where to start, or even where to end.
Mostly I'm just confincing myself to feel better and not making things the way they should be on the other end. Things quiet down for a while, but you know they aren't finished. I wish I was better with words....
Let's try to be blunt this time.
I was really excited tonight about making costumes and practicing the song(Akai Nikkichou[Red Diary]) then I got online for a bit and got myself in a big mess. These are some of the reasons why I'm never around online. I get myself into trouble.
Well, I was stuggling to try to find what I wanted to say, but I'm going to cry now because my friends don't have brains, so I'll leave you with these and possibly add to it later.
Right now, she's just like everyone else. And she likes that.
I'm not changing names because there are no innocents in this and I'm too mad to.
child: hi boogers
KittenCitrus: hey
xxchi1dxx: haha, your icon is funny
xxchi1dxx: I', :-D
xxchi1dxx: that's what I got
KittenCitrus: i am changing it i am bored with it
KittenCitrus: i think sam is mad at me
xxchi1dxx: from the other day?
KittenCitrus: yup
xxchi1dxx: we talked to day, it's more of an uneasy feeling
KittenCitrus: what uneasy feeling
KittenCitrus: just because i wanted to go home?
xxchi1dxx: we were assuming you wanted to meet up with that boy
KittenCitrus: so
KittenCitrus: i wanted to hang out with him and some friends
KittenCitrus: i always hangout with you and sam
xxchi1dxx: it was just weird that you were already at my house and didn't say anything about wanting to go somewhere else
KittenCitrus: i did
KittenCitrus: i said i wanted to go 4 wheeling with derek , ben and Jordan
xxchi1dxx: it might sound weird but we worry about you
KittenCitrus: why?
xxchi1dxx: i don't know really, we see some things differently
KittenCitrus: like what
xxchi1dxx: like dating
xxchi1dxx: but we can't say much because we really don't know because we aren't around you in school
KittenCitrus: what is wrong with dating
KittenCitrus: o
xxchi1dxx: you just have to be careful about who you choose to date because it's a really serious thing
KittenCitrus: no its not
xxchi1dxx: like, I don't date anyone because I haven't really met anyone I like that much
KittenCitrus: o
xxchi1dxx: it's supposed to be serious, if it's not then it's really worthless and doesn't make much sense
KittenCitrus: yup
xxchi1dxx: so anyway, have you listened or watched that cd at all yet?
KittenCitrus: no
KittenCitrus: but why is sam mad then?
xxchi1dxx: that's not really for me to say
KittenCitrus: i still don't get it
KittenCitrus: why not
KittenCitrus: she wno't talk too me
KittenCitrus: she shuragges her sholders at me
KittenCitrus: she came over to my house with her mom and didn't even say anything to me
xxchi1dxx: from what we talked about today she feels funny because she is upset some and doesn't really know what to say
xxchi1dxx: we're acting like mothers really
KittenCitrus: well i have one and i don't want three
KittenCitrus: :-(
xxchi1dxx: haha, i know what you mean
xxchi1dxx: sam and my sister are mothers to me
KittenCitrus: its like i am being babysat
KittenCitrus: and i am almost fifteen
xxchi1dxx: well, the way I'm worried is that you're eventually going to get sucked into society and not really like what we do anymore
KittenCitrus: well
KittenCitrus: i don't like to dress diferent and really form what sam said i am not dressing any different from the ppl at schoool
xxchi1dxx: you don't have to dress weird, what do you mean?
KittenCitrus: in your room when i said i wasn't going to wear the costume to school sam flipped out on me
KittenCitrus: i was about ready to yell at her
xxchi1dxx: yeah, i wish she hadn't really said that, i know what you mean about wearing things like that to school. i don't want to make you wear it, but i think she was concerned that you didn't appreciate it
xxchi1dxx: but that's just my guess
KittenCitrus: well i do appreciate it but i don't want to wear it to school
KittenCitrus: i am not used to it and have ppl look at me funny
xxchi1dxx: I guess we just assume that everyone is going to like you no matter what.
KittenCitrus: well i think they will but i am not confident in wearing it to school
KittenCitrus: i don't like ppl looking at me funny and stuff
xxchi1dxx: I don't either. and they do. I've had people spit at me because they think I'm weird. but with me, it's not just because I'm different from them, they just generally don't like me
xxchi1dxx: and I really don't know why
KittenCitrus: o
KittenCitrus: but why is sam mad at me!!?!?!?!?!
KittenCitrus: tell me please!!!!
xxchi1dxx: she's not mad! she's just worried that you'll like you're friends from school and the boys so much that you won't like to do things with us
KittenCitrus: o
KittenCitrus: well then she needs to stop worrying and know that i am her friend and will never forget to hangout with you guys
KittenCitrus: !!!!!
KittenCitrus: say something.....
xxchi1dxx: i'm thinking
KittenCitrus: o
xxchi1dxx: so, do you want to keep practicing that dance?
KittenCitrus: idk
xxchi1dxx: do you like it?
KittenCitrus: idk
KittenCitrus: i don't really know how it goes any sam is being weird about it
KittenCitrus: it waslike she was ignoring me
xxchi1dxx: i told you she feels kind of funny and doesn't know what to say
xxchi1dxx: she'll be okay in a little while
KittenCitrus: why not?
KittenCitrus: i dont bit
KittenCitrus: bite
xxchi1dxx: she just needs to think for a while
KittenCitrus: why???
KittenCitrus: there isnt anything to think about
KittenCitrus: didnt kill anyone
xxchi1dxx: what you think might not be a big deal, she sees differently
KittenCitrus: why
KittenCitrus: all i said i was going to hang out with some friends and Derek
KittenCitrus: i cant hang out with my other friends or something?
xxchi1dxx: you should just wait to ask her about it
xxchi1dxx: i don't know everything about what she's thinking
KittenCitrus: well i dont know anything
KittenCitrus: and she wont talk to me
KittenCitrus: if i ask her she wont say anything she will just walk away
xxchi1dxx: try to ask
KittenCitrus: no
KittenCitrus: if she wont talk to me then i wont either
xxchi1dxx: that's garbage
KittenCitrus: its not that big a deal
xxchi1dxx: you're both stubborn
KittenCitrus: i dont see why she is mad at me
xxchi1dxx: that's why you have to talk!
KittenCitrus: no
KittenCitrus: if she doesnt want to talk fine
xxchi1dxx: then you can both just ignore each other forever and never get things sorted out
KittenCitrus: i want to talk to her but if she wont talk back then why try to tlak to her
KittenCitrus: she talks to every one else but me
KittenCitrus: i feel left out
KittenCitrus: !!!!!
xxchi1dxx: she feels like you don't tell her about your problems so she feels the same as you
xxchi1dxx: so with neither of you trying to make an effort to clear things up, nothing good will ever come of it
KittenCitrus: i dont have problems
KittenCitrus: well she shouldnt have gotten mad in the first place
xxchi1dxx: then stop trying to solve problems you don't have
KittenCitrus: i didnt even do anything
KittenCitrus: i am not i am just not going to ask her anything
xxchi1dxx: then none of this has anything to do with me and I don't know what she's thinking about all this, so if you really want to know what's going on you're just going to have to talk to her whether you want to or not
xxchi1dxx: I'm going to bed now, good night
KittenCitrus: well then i don't want to know
Ignorance is bliss. I feel like the world is ending, not so much because of causing something to happen, but because I acquired information. I learned things tonight that I wish I hadn't.
I guess I learned that my friends can be bigger jerks than I thought they were. That's a stupid things to say though.
They might not feel any different after this, but my soul has just been squeezed and expolded and no one will ever know because regardless of everything, no one thinks to stop for me.
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.::. Lisa .::. 9:23 PM
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